“A thousand times I’ve failed, still Your mercy remains…”

NO matter what you have done, where you have been, or who you are today, God loves you. You are the apple of His eye. He created you for relationship – relationship with Him. Just as a daddy or mama loves her precious little one, so our Creator cherishes us…

Never allow what you see as weakness or deficiency to keep you from discovering your destiny in this life. The bible tells us that the number of good and loving thoughts that God thinks towards us is like grains of sand on the beach.

Today, rest in your true identity - as a valued and irreplaceable child of God.

 

changing churches

There has been a great deal of movement in the house of God these past few months. Really, it’s been about a year or so. It started as a trickle and now it seems like a mass exodus - people are changing churches, starting new ones, leaving the church as we often think of it, and starting home groups. It can be exhilhirating for some; absolutely terrifying for others. Change can be hard, especially for those “left behind.”

I think in the middle of such seasons, it’s important to remember that God plants the members of the body. We are ONE body; the Body of Christ. You are not kicked out of the body based on which denomination you choose, or which pastor you  follow. And, just as He plants us, He sometimes calls us out of one house to plant in another.

When we first came to The Rock, I was extremely comfortable and happy at my church, New Light. I loved it, loved the people, loved serving. I drove 45 minutes one way to get there. In no way was I dissatisfied. But, God kept nudging me to visit The Rock Church, and one sunny day I did. I cried the entire time, sat glued to my seat for two full services (not even moving in between), and knew I was being called INTO that house.

Now for others, there might be a slight dissatisfaction. Or, an offense might come. Sometimes God has to allow something to happen in order to get us to move in direction He wants us. Now, that is not to say that every time you are unhappy or offended you need to move, because then you would be changing churches every Sunday.   My greatest growth has been through dealing with offense appropriately and allowing myself a shift in perspective (or at least, additional grace for others in their own journey). But, certainly, He can also use dissatisfaction to move us out of our comfort zone.

At the end of the day, we all need to keep Christ and His mission at the forefront of our daily lives – loving people and sharing God’s love and purpose with those around us. How He chooses to work that out looks different for each one of us. Don’t put God in a box and think there is just one way – the only way that’s important is following Jesus – the rest will follow.

Don’t let change move your spirit.  Stay grounded in where you know God has called you and serve in the way He has designed you to. Do not allow another’s dissatisfaction to cause you to doubt, but rather always wait upon the Lord to answer your questions. No man holds the keys to your spiritual future. Refuse to give in to gossip and strife, but stay rooted and grounded in love. THAT is how we will change our churches – from the inside out.

rise above

I was in a meeting this morning with a bunch of amazing women – women dedicated to the cause of Christ and to the enrichment of the lives around them. We aren’t a perfect group, but we all come from a place of love and understanding that what we do as mommy’s, women and leaders is valuable. And, with that comes great responsibility.

It’s always such a joy to gather and work, plan, and hold eachother accountable, in love, when another falls or needs a perspective change or attitude adjustment. I personally have grown so much, especially when my sin nature comes into the forefront and I am not only loved in spite of it, but also gently redirected to a more advantageous point of view.

As humans, it is so easy to let emotions or a cloudy perspective to direct our paths. (Yes, men, too can be this way, so don’t tune me out!). So often it’s easier to justify our reactions than to control our thoughts and season our words with great grace and love. I personally own walking on both sides of that fence and can’t express enough how much more God is able to work in my life, and move on my behalf when I am walking in the manner in which He has called me to.

Always be free to rise above. Don’t feel as though you have to respond like everyone around you.The bible tells us to live in the world and not be of it. It means we are to live in the way of love. To respond basd on faith and not fear. Walk in His ways, my friend, and rise above.

 

that’s all i have to say about that.

Tonight my nearly 7 year old was being a little sassy. She already sounds a great deal like a teen. Super fun. After expressing my feelings about said attitude, she made a very profound statement.

She said “I keep trying, but I  just can’t help but be disobedient, especially when it’s something I don’t wanna do.”

Ah, so here I am in another learning moment, when I am expecting my child to be better behaved than myself. Now, I do choose to look more compliant on the outside, certainly. I have learned the ways of cooperating in society. However, inside my spirit, in my head and heart, lives a very rebellious woman.

“I don’t want to forgive.”

“I have a right to be angry.”

“That’s out of my comfort zone.”

“I would rather sleep in than have my quiet time…”

And so it goes, on an on, rebellion as old as time. I used to think the idea of a sin nature at birth was legalistic and religious and untrue. But if it weren’t true, we probably wouldn’t need so many books and experts and articles on how to teach our children to do right.

So that’s all I have to say about that. Short and sweet. God loves to talk to me through my kids, especially when I myself am disobedient and not taking enough time to listen…

Night.

misguided anger.

On my drive home this morning, memories of a family I used to work with suddenly flooded my brain. Right after college I worked in social services for Kittitas County Head Start in Ellensburg. One of my duties was to conduct home visits with the families whose children attended the program. One particular family was very difficult for me to visit. Every surface was covered with something, and it was dark and small. Literally a shack, with a stench so intense I absolutely had to breathe through my mouth – one whiff and I would get instantly nauseous.

Poverty is ugly. Whether financial, spiritual, emotional or mental, poverty is a work of the devil. God never intended for us to live in depravity.

It can be really easy to turn away in disgust when we see how another person lives. Maybe you have a hard time with hoarders. Or addicts. Others struggle with those who hold no value for human life. But, I struggle with such animosity, as Jesus died for them, too. He loves them just as much as He does me. To see oneself as above one of these people would be to invalidate the cross and all it stands for.

I often wonder about people who are in such a bad place. Do they hoard to cover pain? Take drugs to cope with their reality? People are interesting, especially those who get really angry with another person’s depravity. It’s easy to judge. Possibly just as easy to understand.

Before you look down at another, or find them unlovely, consider what sort of dysfunction you walk in. Perhaps you are a bit cleaner on the outside, but possibly not on the inside. I know for me, the past few weeks have brought to light areas in my heart and mind that I had not visited for a long time. It’s been a time to look very honestly at who I am; who I am in those dark corners nobody can see.

To repent means to turn away, it means to take another road. It’s not a big, ugly word used to bring condemnation, but rather an opportunity to turn and make a change. A good change. Today I am repenting of my pre-judgements and personal ego that tells me my stuff isn’t as ugly as someone else’s. Today I am giving up my anger.

 

turned me off

So I just finished reading my most favorite of all books – “Blue Like Jazz – Nonreligous Thoughts on Christian Spirituality” by Donald Miller. A tasty read if you have the time. Now, being done with this most wonderful of journey’s, I would usually feel quite blue, but my sweet friend, gave me a new book to read, so I feel a little better. Except for the fact that within the first 5 lines the author lost me.

Words matter. And they matter in different ways to different people. In this particular case, the author is describing her birth in rather graphic terms, and while I have personally given birth to four children of my own and am quite familiar with the process, it’s just not how I like to start out the next phase in my personal, spiritual development. To some, this might bring a “seal the deal, this is gonna be explosive!’ sort of response, but not so much in my mind. All I can think of is trying to wade through overly dramatic, almost romanticized trauma and an overuse of adjectives. Sigh.

However, since my dear friend gave it to me, I am willing to give it a shot. Especially since on the very first page is evidence that her little daughter, also has had her hands on the book, so I am confident my friend actually did read it first. You see, how things are packaged is important. But even more important is our ability to look beyond personal preference and get to the meat of something. Whether a book, movie, song, or even a person, our individual preferences can often keep us from getting what we really need in this life. Judging a book by its cover (or it’s intro) is never a good idea. You could be missing out on the very thing you have been lacking all along…

So I will return to the pages that turned me off and give it another go. Life is a series of ups, downs, good and not-so-great…but it’s all part of the big picture. Excited to see what picture evolves on this next leg of my journey…

validation

I was thinking this morning about how I blog. Why I blog. I love to write. I love to share all the thoughts that rattle around inside my head and the epiphanies that God sometimes chooses to share with me. It’s probably why I love Facebook so much and why both my tattoos are words – I am a words person.

When I was married the first time,  my then-husband would get upset with me for using “big words.” He would love me now; after spending the last 14 years trying to use words my children can comprehend, my vocabulary is a shadow of what it once was. I wasn’t trying to make him feel dumb, I just love the way words sound. I enjoy using words that are a little more descriptive than “nice,” or “interesting.” Mauve is far more descriptive than pink.

I have noticed, however, that my words also define me to some extent, and I get validation from others’ responses to them. They also share a bit of me, and I long to be understood. I think it’s why I struggle when only a few people read my blog. It’s why for so long I have fought issues with my weight and appearance. And, why any criticism sends me into a chasm of self-loathing, even though my heart tells me I am still a decent person. If people don’t like the outside me; how will they ever take the time to get to know, let alone, value, the inside me??

At the end of the day, we all need to feel valued and accepted. I am pretty sure that’s the way God made us. If we don’t feel an emptiness or need to fill, we won’t ever realize our need for Him. When God set us free to choose Him or not, I think He was still hoping that little God-shaped hole would ensure our return to relationship with Him. But the problem for most of us, is we try to fill that hole with other things, even when we are trying not to. It’s easy to get caught up in the opinions and values of those around us. But, when it all comes down to it, unless we are okay with ourselves and with our Creator, no outside relationship will ever quite do.

Where do you seek validation? What makes you feel valued? Where do you feel an empty space? A tender spot? We all have some area that is vulnerable, and that’s okay. Let His Spirit fill it. Let Him fill you to overflowing. And stop worrying about how many people like your blog…

 

 

even when my head wasn’t sure.

I woke to the sound of rain on the skylights this morning – a welcome sound after days of snow and ice and extremely limited transportation. For those of us living in the Northwest, even the lightest of snow falls can create impassable roads. I have lived in places where a foot of snow does nothing to stop normal life but here in the hills, it’s different.

So the rain is coming, and snow is melting. Birds that have been silent for several mornings were singing and flying, enjoying the slight increase in temperature. Huge mounds of snow are falling from trees shrubs. Water is dripping from the rooftop. By all accounts, I joyfully see the end of this winter storm.

And yet some people are still stuck in their homes, many without power and heat. Life for some remains the same, regardless of what it is looking like to others. It’s like that with salvation. Or, like coming out of a dark season. There are little changes at first; just enough to keep you going. But then there are other areas that just don’t seem to change as quickly as we would like. The bible talks about walking out our salvation, which would imply that it’s a process. A daily decision. My husband talks about marriage as being a marathon, not a sprint.

If I were to be perfectly honest, there have been times in my life when I have seriously considered if the cost I was paying to be married, to be a person of faith, to be me, was worth it. There have been days, weeks, months, of praying and hanging on by the tiniest of threads. When every morning I was greeted with God’s new mercies, only to have them immediately dashed by reality.  Some storms blow harder than others.

But through it all, even when my head wasn’t sure, my heart was. Nothing in this life is worth anything unless sacrificed for. Like Christ. He gave his entire life to us, to give us just the opportunity to choose eternal life with our Creator. We might not all accept His offer, but it’s there. Once chosen, life continues – perfection is yet elusive until the end. But the process, that is what matters. That is what makes this life worth living. That is what I wait for as I watch the snow melt…

creating a chasm…

With such adverse weather conditons the past few days, many, many people have been out of power. Night before last I woke up in the wee hours and looked out into utter darkness. Usually a beautiful view of lights dancing on the water, the landscape had turned dark and cold. Every household on the other side of the lake was without power. I felt gratefulness and guilt at the same time. It came on yesterday, only to have been snuffed out again at some point last night. Again, this morning, I am warm and praying for my neighbors in the cold.

I began to think about other neighborhoods. Communities literally seperated by nothing more than a road or train track, where one side houses the affluent, those with plenty, while the other side is home to those who struggle to make ends meet. I wondered how on earth anyone could literally look poverty and lack square in the face, every day, and not feel compelled to action. It blows me away to think a human could look at suffering and begin to feel contempt instead of compassion.

But then, I wondered if I am capable of that, too.

Maybe in the face of such differences I might begin to judge those less fortunate than myself. Perhaps I could say to myself that fate brought them there, or their poor choices. Maybe I am a person of prayer and they aren’t. Possibly I could look at someone going through a trial and create a chasm that orginates in a desire to tell myself I am safe from such an atrosity because I “don’t do that” or because I “do, do this,” only to slowly morph into one who believes I am just a little better than “those other people.”

What is it in our human nature that is so quick to judge and separate? IS IT self preservation? A lack of personal self? Genetic? Darwinism? I am quite certain I have some ideas, and they all lead back to the depravity of man. At our core, we hold seflishness and sin close to our hearts. Even the best of us receive a warm, fuzzy feeling when we do something kind, which would go back to feeding one’s own ego and soul.

I am in the middle of a book that largely addresses this idea of our essence and the conflict between who we were created to be when God designed us, and who we have become without perfection with Him, having been given over to free will. I know that for myself, I can really only “put on a show” and “try my hardest to be good” for so long before I fall. My attempts to be a good person are often shattered when I lose it with one of my kids, or get defensive at another’s cruel words. My only hope to love well is to give myself over to God and let HIM love others THROUGH me. Until then, I am little more than a clanging gong.

So this morning, as I pray for the cold people on the other side of the lake, I will also pray that God would warm up my own heart. Lord, let your love reign in my home today!

a bunch of pansies

If you are reading this today, and live in the west side of Washington State, you are most probably aware there is a relatively eventful change in our normal weather pattern. I haven’t seen this much snow in a while and I am lovin’ it! Everything is so beautiful, and while I wrestle a bit with the usual routine of my life, it’s nice to sit in front of my window and just watch the world sleep..

This afternoon, I have been watching various posts on Facebook about needing to get to the store and get a few things. I have watched my neighbor shovel his driveway 4 times now. I also panicked a wee bit when I saw that we are getting low on applejuice; my 2-year-old’s favorite. To be honest, snow in these parts creates quite a bit of chaos.

But here’s the funny thought I had just a few minutes ago – SO WHAT?? A little snow that will soon be melted off and life will go back to its usual rainy, dreary and grey self. What is the worst that could happen? Okay, I AM extremely grateful to have power and subsequent heat – in no way do I mean to belittle those currently trying desperatly to stay warm (I have thanked God at least 10 times already that we have heat!). But aside from that, I am quite certain that my 4 eggs and half a jug of juice are sufficient. After all, I still have a full gallon of cow’s milk and two containers of soy milk. And, if things got horrible, I have powdered milk as well. Run out of toilet paper? I have paper towels, facial tissue, and worse-case scenari0 – wash cloths and a washing machine. I have running water and a full bag of rice.

What have we become that what to millions would be luxery, has now become an unbearable reality for even a day or two? Why do I have such a nagging feeling that I really must bundle up and “brave the weather” so my son can have his favorite beverage instead of being grateful to have easily accessable, clear, safe water?? Our church has been helping build wells abroad – here I am pissy because “all” I have is what comes through my FILTERED refrigerator.

I love the opportunity to again be really grateful for what I have, and to put things into a better perspective. After all, I am currently writing this in front of a fire, wrapped in a blanket, sipping on tea… May I never forget how truly blessed I am and how God has met and exceeded my every need in every season.

So I am going to enjoy my snow, be grateful for what there is in my fridge and enjoy the fact that I haven’t left my home in 4 days and that lends itself to spending more time with my precious little family. And I’m gonna stop being such a pansy.